On the road again

POST SURGERY AND LOVING IT!

        That's right friends, I am in post surgery phase ! I went to St. Peter's hospital last week and allowed the absolutely amazing ,Dr. B, to cut me up, what did he find you ask? A giant cluster of endometriosis encasing my ovary! I feel lighter already,in all honesty, I feel very peaceful. I am extremely grateful that, Dr. B found and removed the "endo", also that I have such a wonderful family ,my grandparents have let us move in for my recovery period until our move.
    As of right now, it is just like old times, I am healing, which means laying around and letting my grandmother do everything, okay not everything, she isn't washing me. Its glorious, however I am feeling pretty good so it will probably need to end soon. Today, however, I had the pleasure of spending a lazy day with my oldest dearest friend .

We sipped delicious mint, cucumber filled drinks, we laughed till we cried, we made new friends, who played us love songs and made us outstanding snacks.

Today, I felt like my old self, I wasn't worried about doctors or medication , I was just present in the moment, the music and the love of a friend. 

I pray for more days like today, maybe it is my hormones evening out, maybe I am just filled with grace , either way I am grateful. 

Blog Button!

      I am so happy to announce that I am now part of the Catholic Blogger Network!! Hooray!
Because I am part of this awesome directory, I get to have a blog button! How cool is that? So I am linking the button as well as the button of the "wonder woman" who helped me create it. However, it is thanks to you, my dear friends, that I am able to be apart of this network, so really, honestly, thank you!


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What we have learned thus far

Processing.....Processing.. Processing...



Yesterday I received all the information we have gathered from my month of tests. For the sake of time I will list for you what the doctor printed for me ;

Ovarian Dysfunction
Medications needed: Misoprostol , HCG Injections, progesterone
Hypothyroidism
Medications: Levothyroxine
Dysmenorrhea
Treatment: Surgery
Vitamin Deficiency
Daily tablets needed



The break down :

          I think I had a vision in my head of walking into the sunset after surgery, hand in hand with my husband , babies just over the next hill. I felt like the surgery was going to be my cure all, my one and only treatment, but, God has other plans.
Yesterday I learned I will never be able to conceive and carry to term on my own, unless there is an act of God, which I am not ruling out. I will need to take oral medications , inject myself with HCG , change my diet, and be treated, forever. All this is a giant reminder that I am broken, I am sinful, I am not in my glorified form. This is what stuck with me, not that I need these treatments but why I need them. I am in disbelieve a little too, that my body is so unwelcome to life. How can my heart and my womb be so off base, don't they converse about our plan? Maybe so, maybe they do want the same things, that doesn't mean God does. He allowed this brokenness, He has a larger plan for us , like I have said before, a plan that will , we hope, get us to Heaven, a place where our babies already reside. So I am trying to keep my focus on the cross, I am longing to be with my Beloved, and my heart is filled with peace, knowing this is His desire too. Will these next few months bring some struggle, sure, but that does not mean all is lost. There is glory, grace and Goodness at work here, my prayer is that we are open to receiving it.
       That being said, am I sad? YES ! I am tender, I am willing to walk this path , to carry this cross, but, my heart does sink a little. I could easily go on a rant about all those little perfect couples who get pregnant without effort, or, the young girls who treat a child like an infection and cut them out. However, I will not { that didn't count ,right?} I do not want to let hate into my heart, I cannot get upset every time God's will for us is not the same as His will for you. I can however, take my sadness to Him, offer it as a consolation for His sufferings and rest joyfully with my Friend. So please dear loved ones, keep praying for us, our cross looks differently than we pictured and we need a few Simons to help .

Real Talk

  Yesterday I found myself in a conversation with a woman who was in tears over her daughters recent infertility. I knew this woman's pain, this was my pain. I knew this families grief , it was my grief. I too shared that tight smile while holding back tears , when told " I am praying for you". My heart broke for this woman, I wanted to hug her, tell her that God has a plan and He is leading her to heaven. Instead I just cried, cried for her and with her.

      The weight of knowing there is no perfect response, no magical phrase I can offer her was heavy, all I could do was know her pain, pray for her and love her. I tend to forget that this is happening, I get caught up in our next doctors appointment , are we charting correctly, is my surgery scheduled, what will my recovery be like? I move along, I power through, I pray and I push forward. In moments like yesterday it hits me, WE MAY NEVER HAVE A CHILD, and I need to be okay with that. I need to be open to what God wants and has planned  for us, I need to trust Him. I am reminded of this scripture passage that I have used before...



"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal". (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)



 This passage brings me great comfort. I must not lose heart, I must remember that this is our cross, this is our path to Heaven. We must carry this cross, no matter how heavy. 

Playing Catch Up

There has been so much happening since I last sat down to write , I honestly do not even know where to start. I typically like to start my posts to you like we are already in a conversation, so here it goes...

    When we last spoke I had just changed doctors, I have had about a million appointments with her in these past few weeks, which is no easy thing BC she is 2 hours away, however I am so pleased with her I do not mind the drive, also I have had some great driving buddies who make the day a real treat. I had to have an ultrasound series done to monitor my ovary, we needed to see if I indeed do ovulate. Good news is, I do! Bad news is, that little egg doesn't seem to be meeting the sperm. Also we have discovered I may have some issues inside the cervix and uterus on top of my possible endometriosis. I spoke briefly on this before but I am going to need surgery. I will be going on April 19th to meet the doctor and set up the date, I hope by the end of April start of May. So, just to review,  this passed week I have learned I formed wrong in the womb, my 2 hour surgery has been moved to a 6 hour surgery , my hormones are not working properly and I have a thyroid condition. WHEWWWWWWW! And I have not even gotten to my emotional response !

     Emotionally , I am tired. I am drained, I am peaceful but I am exhausted. I feel like I spent the day swimming I am happy but my skin is burnt and my body is weak. I want deeply to curl up and sleep, to cry , to be comforted. However I am not really a warm and snugly kind of girl, this makes it hard for my loved ones to comfort me. I am my own worst enemy. Aren't most of us?  Don't we all cry and complain about what it is we need or want and then stand in the way of it ? I do, I cant speak for you but I sure do. I catch myself and I stand in shock of my own actions sometimes. Pride is a beast, a nasty slobbering beast that I find myself facing daily. However that is a post for another day, right now lets get back to my "uterine makeover".

   I have failed to mention one little thing , WE ARE MOVING!!!! My husband and I currently live in a small 2 bedroom condo, It has been a wonderful first home. We have had nights by the fireplace and many meals with friends gathered, but we pay a pretty penny to live here and it just doesn't make any sense. We are living off of one income, we made that choice after my first surgery, so we are really careful with our money in order to have me home. I am extremely thankful for that, I am blessed to have a husband that fights the " normal idea of life " and supports us in being a more traditional family. Back to the move, My parents have been looking for an income property for a few months, they have seen a place here in there but nothing stuck. Until one sunny afternoon when my mother and I were driving around and we found a house, we called and it was already taken however it prompted their realtor to send us a link to a house in Roebling, 0.5 miles from my entire family. That night the 4 of us went to see this little home and we knew right away. THIS WAS OUR HOUSE! My husband and I have been praying on this for months BC we want to make sure we are following Gods will , not ours. So when we found this home and it lined up with my week of doctor appointments and daily blood samples , I was tad overwhelmed. However I kept praying if God wanted us to move in the same time frame of our infertility surgery, He will take care of it. Fast forward to day 3 of my ultrasound series, my Mother decided to be my partner that day, we drove 2 hours, we chatted with my amazing doctor and ultrasound tech, we discovered new things about my uterus and absorbed the news that surgery was a must and it will be intensive. Then on the way home, the phone rang, WE GOT THE HOUSE! After turning down our first offer the buyer finally accepted! So it began, what I like to call, " the 50 day race for the cure". March 31 to May 24th we will be packing, having surgery, recovering, and moving! Then I am sure some more recovering will be taking place.
  I do not feel overwhelmed any longer, I am peaceful over all, I am thankful we are cared for and shown how cared for on a daily bases. I am grateful for my parents who are so generously helping us, I am in awe of my new doctor and her team, they have been so helpful ,so thorough , so hands on. Sure, I could probably stand here and complain about something but why? Why waste my time and let that hate into my heart? I want to live my life with, Christ , to me, that means being grateful, positive, charitable, loving and carrying this cross one step at a time.

  So here we go dear friends, off to pack, to plan, to be poked and cut and investigated , hopefully to be cured but most importantly to be loved. Pray for us in these coming weeks and I too, will take your intentions with me.

The glory in sadness

         I decided to switch doctors. I felt that I was not getting the help I needed so I looked into a Catholic doctor in north NJ who deals with infertile women, the catch is she requires Creighton charting. I do not hate charting, I know it  has helped so many women, I just hate the act of charting. I am terrible at the little stickers, the checking, I am so nervous I will make a mistake that I avoid it. It is childlike, I know, thankfully I have not avoided it. I have been faithfully checking and charting all month, but I just resent it. I have had these angry moments where in true childish fashion, I stomp and cry and say NO , DAD ,I DON'T WANNA!! It gets me no where, I feel silly after , and I end up charting. However it feels good to admit it to you, feels freeing to confess that I am a big baby. I see this new doctor next week, I am excited and nervous. Nervous because we do not have an infertility coverage, so I pay most of the bills out of pocket and just the weekly blood tests are 100 dollars. I am praying on this issue, I will admit I feel a little lost , I wonder how we will pay everything and if we are even supposed to be seeking more treatment. I feel selfish, I feel like child, lost and confused . I just want my Mom to come take me home, give me a warm bath and tuck me in.
           Instead I am reminded of how things change when you get older. How you see your parents for whom they are and not the image you had of them when you were tucked in tight at 7 yrs old. Recently my mother needed me to tuck her in, she needed me to comfort her. The roles had changed, it was my turn to hold her, bath her and tell her it is all going to be okay. My mom was pregnant, I say 'was" and still I cannot believe the baby is gone. She buried her father-in-law on Saturday and the following Saturday we buried her baby. During the funeral the priest read a prayer from mother Angelica, it started off with " My Lord, the baby is dead! Why my Lord is the baby dead?!" My body shuttered, I sobbed , I stood looking at my mother and for the first time,I felt the same as her. I knew the pain she was feeling, I know that pain that overtakes your whole body, keeping you frozen in sadness. The roles had changed but grace is what followed. I never had much compassion for my mom when I was a younger woman. I saw her birth and carry and lose children and I did not desire to hold her, bath her or tell it would be okay. Only now after carrying my own cross can I see how wrong I was and how I wish I could take those moments back. Fortunately for us, the Lord does give second chances, it may not be what you imagined, it may be painful and heartbreaking but He does give us the ability to make better choices ,to grow. I am not perfect, I can still be hard of heart but I am trying , I am praying and most importantly I have two saints in heaven praying with me. I hope they are finding us holding one another up, equally in pain and equally in grace. I will close with something I read recently, " Tell me Sister, Why do those women have full arms and happy homes and all we have is a aching heart? My sister, you can not see ,look down, your arms are full of me".

This dog is not my baby...

                 We are fostering a 2 year old Aussie cattle dog. She is sweet and funny , loving and gentle. She is also needy and loud and not a baby... What do I mean by that?  Just what you think, she is not a human baby that I have birthed from my womb and will love. She is a great pup and I am happy that we could take her in and save her from death. I am so happy she will be going to a nice loving home soon, for my sake I pray ,really soon.. Like seriously come on people come adopt her already.
                  I have discovered that I do not want a dog anymore. My husband is a genius bc I think he knew after fostering for a few days I would be over it. He was right. I am tired of waking up at 7 am bc she is crying to go down the 3 flights steps and out into the cold only to not pee but to just walk around , come back and poo on my floor. I am half tempted to diaper her. Seriously people, this is a ton of work and I am nervous to leave the darn house bc I am worried her crying and barking will annoy my neighbors. At least with your own child you have diapers and nap time and they don't chew your shoes! So what have I learned from this adventure other than not wanting a pet? That I want a baby way more than I let on, and I am pretty vocal.. I feel like I may have been lying to myself with all this , I am sad but whatever God's will thing. I have learned that caring for something isn't my issues, I do not want to care for just anything , I want a fat curly haired baby?! NOW!

  Okay, with that said, I am also thankful for this adventure. I am thankful to God showing me I still have work to do, still need to detach a bit more from the image I want of my life. I am growing , I feel it and it hurts, but I am really thankful for it... Now if only this cutie could fine a forever home and I could have my bed back at night...