Sunday, December 16, 2012

Painful Praises

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18) 

       Monday at 1040 am I finally hopped onto the examination table, I have been dreading this moment for a year. When I realized there could be an actual issue with my body I did all I could to ignore it. I was not yet ready to witness the true brokenness of myself. As I nervously answered questions and tried to remember the long words and medical terms the doctor used I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of just how small we are in the world.   The doctor informed me I would be going into the hospital later in the week to under go my first infertility test, a HSG test. The long name is Hysterosalpingography. In short it is a xray used to help diagnose tumors, masses or any malformation in the fallopian tubes. Seems simple enough, right? WRONG!
    I arrived at the hospital on Wednesday morning I was told to bring a driver bc I would be in too much pain to drive, oh hooray. After a long wait, but praise God a great staff, I was lead into a small closest like room and told to put on a gown . From there I was taken to a larger room where I laid on a table while an amazing number of tools where placed next to me, Again let me stress how great the nurses were, I was scared and emotional and they were loving and gentle. Finally the doctor , who is also wonderful, came in and asked me to lie back while, and this gets graphic, opening my legs so she can open my cervix with a speculum then GRASP AKA HOOK my cervix with a tenaculum. I cannot express the amount of pain I felt during this, I  screamed in shock as I was "hooked" . Then a dye is injected into your body while a xray is taken. Painful but not as bad as the hook, did I mention this was all drug free??!?! Why I do not know. Finally the images showed I have no blockage in my tube, PRAISE BE TO GOD! However while the doctors where looking at the xray they realized my uterus has an odd shape to it. Not knowing if this is bc it is in chambers or if it bc of a large speculum. I was taken off the table and ordered to get a MRI this week. The MRI will be step two in this journey, I am so thankful that my tube is clear and now prayerfully walking towards the next test. We are just at the beginning of this path but as we pray about it we both feel sense of peace, no matter what the outcome, kids or not, we are loved and well cared for by our King. In this season I need to focus on Him on His coming into our life and the joy and love He brings. 

Psalm 150

1Praise the Lord.a
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
2Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
3Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
4praise him with tambourine and dancing,
praise him with the strings and flute,
5praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.
6Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Surgery, Novenas and what comes next.

 A lot of women write an infertility blog to keep distant family and friends abreast of their situation. I on the other hand, would be completely happy only telling my mom and best friend. I did not sit down and create this space to update you on my recent tests or , if I am being honest, make myself feel better through expression. I started this bc I am unhappy with how little we women , we Catholic Christian woman talk about our infertility struggles.  With that said ,I do not know if I would call what my husband and I are going through as a struggle, it is too new. Judge for yourself but please most importantly, pray for us and share your story. 
      A year ago , not long after our blissful wedding, I had my first miscarriage. I was heart broken, confused, why would our Loving God do this to us?However,  I did not have time to focus on my questions bc soon enough I was pregnant again. I was overjoyed, of course! The Lord must have made a mistake and He has now come to fix it , apparently I am more of a self centered snip then I thought. As the weeks passed I was having more pain then normal ,this lead to a trip to the ER. I was dismissed and told I was pregnant and that was that. One week later I lay back in that ER holding back screams as the pain took hold of my body. 8 hours after arriving and being told I was experiencing  an ectopic pregnancy I was taken into surgery. Those 8 long hours were the most painful, grace filled and torturous of my life thus far . My poor husband and family sat watching as I tossed in pained, screamed in frustration and finally collapsed. The doctors did not want my tube to burst but bc there was not an operating room open for so many hours there was no other choice. 
      Many hours later I awoke from surgery ,had an unpleasant night in the hospital and then fought like hell to go home. My recovery was long, emotionally and physically. Before this point I was a nanny for 2 very loving families, I soon found myself unable to care for them. Praise God for placing me with such holy, loving and understanding women, I quit my jobs and was left free to process this grief, easier said then done. I am the master of distraction and for many months, that is just what I did. I distracted myself with everything, running, fad diets, eating, baking, more eating, less running, reading, shopping and the list goes on. That is , until one day a wise and dear friend informed me I had to stop  hiding and face these fears. Each month I would presume I would be pregnant again and all would be well but month after month the tests said no and I focused on counting the next cycle. This its
self became my cycle ;Counting, planning, trying, crying. Hell in a neat little package, I had to put a stop to it. Through all this I tried to cling to my cross, I truly wanted only Gods will for us since that matched mine perfectly. I think realizing that Gods plan was Better than mine was harder then all the months of negative tests. It is still something I am working on, and lets be honest will work on till I am dead. We are a prideful gender whether we want to admit that or not. Having our plan thrown in the trash and replaced with a murky grey question mark is not something we , most of us, will accept easily. 
      Once I realized I am not going to have a snugly bundle of joy in my arms by participating in a "you blink first " contest with God , I was able to relax and pray the way I should have all along; in union with Him. For the first time in a year I was able to say , Ok this is your show, lead me. I felt like a weight was lifted but still in the room, maybe just over on the table. With my elephant in the room being looked after by the Best I decided it was time to call my doctor and talk more about my situation. This took an enormous amount of prayer. I had spent the past year just pushing I never really thought there could be a issue, I was just in a stand off with God, I could not actually be, broken, could I ?