Thursday, April 18, 2013

What we have learned thus far

Processing.....Processing.. Processing...

Yesterday I received all the information we have gathered from my month of tests. For the sake of time I will list for you what the doctor printed for me ;

Ovarian Dysfunction
Medications needed: Misoprostol , HCG Injections, progesterone
Medications: Levothyroxine
Treatment: Surgery
Vitamin Deficiency
Daily tablets needed

The break down :

          I think I had a vision in my head of walking into the sunset after surgery, hand in hand with my husband , babies just over the next hill. I felt like the surgery was going to be my cure all, my one and only treatment, but, God has other plans.
Yesterday I learned I will never be able to conceive and carry to term on my own, unless there is an act of God, which I am not ruling out. I will need to take oral medications , inject myself with HCG , change my diet, and be treated, forever. All this is a giant reminder that I am broken, I am sinful, I am not in my glorified form. This is what stuck with me, not that I need these treatments but why I need them. I am in disbelieve a little too, that my body is so unwelcome to life. How can my heart and my womb be so off base, don't they converse about our plan? Maybe so, maybe they do want the same things, that doesn't mean God does. He allowed this brokenness, He has a larger plan for us , like I have said before, a plan that will , we hope, get us to Heaven, a place where our babies already reside. So I am trying to keep my focus on the cross, I am longing to be with my Beloved, and my heart is filled with peace, knowing this is His desire too. Will these next few months bring some struggle, sure, but that does not mean all is lost. There is glory, grace and Goodness at work here, my prayer is that we are open to receiving it.
       That being said, am I sad? YES ! I am tender, I am willing to walk this path , to carry this cross, but, my heart does sink a little. I could easily go on a rant about all those little perfect couples who get pregnant without effort, or, the young girls who treat a child like an infection and cut them out. However, I will not { that didn't count ,right?} I do not want to let hate into my heart, I cannot get upset every time God's will for us is not the same as His will for you. I can however, take my sadness to Him, offer it as a consolation for His sufferings and rest joyfully with my Friend. So please dear loved ones, keep praying for us, our cross looks differently than we pictured and we need a few Simons to help .

Monday, April 15, 2013

Real Talk

  Yesterday I found myself in a conversation with a woman who was in tears over her daughters recent infertility. I knew this woman's pain, this was my pain. I knew this families grief , it was my grief. I too shared that tight smile while holding back tears , when told " I am praying for you". My heart broke for this woman, I wanted to hug her, tell her that God has a plan and He is leading her to heaven. Instead I just cried, cried for her and with her.

      The weight of knowing there is no perfect response, no magical phrase I can offer her was heavy, all I could do was know her pain, pray for her and love her. I tend to forget that this is happening, I get caught up in our next doctors appointment , are we charting correctly, is my surgery scheduled, what will my recovery be like? I move along, I power through, I pray and I push forward. In moments like yesterday it hits me, WE MAY NEVER HAVE A CHILD, and I need to be okay with that. I need to be open to what God wants and has planned  for us, I need to trust Him. I am reminded of this scripture passage that I have used before...

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal". (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

 This passage brings me great comfort. I must not lose heart, I must remember that this is our cross, this is our path to Heaven. We must carry this cross, no matter how heavy.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Playing Catch Up

There has been so much happening since I last sat down to write , I honestly do not even know where to start. I typically like to start my posts to you like we are already in a conversation, so here it goes...

    When we last spoke I had just changed doctors, I have had about a million appointments with her in these past few weeks, which is no easy thing BC she is 2 hours away, however I am so pleased with her I do not mind the drive, also I have had some great driving buddies who make the day a real treat. I had to have an ultrasound series done to monitor my ovary, we needed to see if I indeed do ovulate. Good news is, I do! Bad news is, that little egg doesn't seem to be meeting the sperm. Also we have discovered I may have some issues inside the cervix and uterus on top of my possible endometriosis. I spoke briefly on this before but I am going to need surgery. I will be going on April 19th to meet the doctor and set up the date, I hope by the end of April start of May. So, just to review,  this passed week I have learned I formed wrong in the womb, my 2 hour surgery has been moved to a 6 hour surgery , my hormones are not working properly and I have a thyroid condition. WHEWWWWWWW! And I have not even gotten to my emotional response !

     Emotionally , I am tired. I am drained, I am peaceful but I am exhausted. I feel like I spent the day swimming I am happy but my skin is burnt and my body is weak. I want deeply to curl up and sleep, to cry , to be comforted. However I am not really a warm and snugly kind of girl, this makes it hard for my loved ones to comfort me. I am my own worst enemy. Aren't most of us?  Don't we all cry and complain about what it is we need or want and then stand in the way of it ? I do, I cant speak for you but I sure do. I catch myself and I stand in shock of my own actions sometimes. Pride is a beast, a nasty slobbering beast that I find myself facing daily. However that is a post for another day, right now lets get back to my "uterine makeover".

   I have failed to mention one little thing , WE ARE MOVING!!!! My husband and I currently live in a small 2 bedroom condo, It has been a wonderful first home. We have had nights by the fireplace and many meals with friends gathered, but we pay a pretty penny to live here and it just doesn't make any sense. We are living off of one income, we made that choice after my first surgery, so we are really careful with our money in order to have me home. I am extremely thankful for that, I am blessed to have a husband that fights the " normal idea of life " and supports us in being a more traditional family. Back to the move, My parents have been looking for an income property for a few months, they have seen a place here in there but nothing stuck. Until one sunny afternoon when my mother and I were driving around and we found a house, we called and it was already taken however it prompted their realtor to send us a link to a house in Roebling, 0.5 miles from my entire family. That night the 4 of us went to see this little home and we knew right away. THIS WAS OUR HOUSE! My husband and I have been praying on this for months BC we want to make sure we are following Gods will , not ours. So when we found this home and it lined up with my week of doctor appointments and daily blood samples , I was tad overwhelmed. However I kept praying if God wanted us to move in the same time frame of our infertility surgery, He will take care of it. Fast forward to day 3 of my ultrasound series, my Mother decided to be my partner that day, we drove 2 hours, we chatted with my amazing doctor and ultrasound tech, we discovered new things about my uterus and absorbed the news that surgery was a must and it will be intensive. Then on the way home, the phone rang, WE GOT THE HOUSE! After turning down our first offer the buyer finally accepted! So it began, what I like to call, " the 50 day race for the cure". March 31 to May 24th we will be packing, having surgery, recovering, and moving! Then I am sure some more recovering will be taking place.
  I do not feel overwhelmed any longer, I am peaceful over all, I am thankful we are cared for and shown how cared for on a daily bases. I am grateful for my parents who are so generously helping us, I am in awe of my new doctor and her team, they have been so helpful ,so thorough , so hands on. Sure, I could probably stand here and complain about something but why? Why waste my time and let that hate into my heart? I want to live my life with, Christ , to me, that means being grateful, positive, charitable, loving and carrying this cross one step at a time.

  So here we go dear friends, off to pack, to plan, to be poked and cut and investigated , hopefully to be cured but most importantly to be loved. Pray for us in these coming weeks and I too, will take your intentions with me.