Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The things my husband lets me do..

             I do not want to brag but I have a pretty great husband. He allows me to make the choices that I feel God is calling me to and with little to no fight on the subject. He takes care of me and provides for me, he keeps me focused on the cross. I feel I am truly blessed. 
   With that said, recently he told me I could open our home to the pet fostering system, this guy has a lot of trust. We have been going back and forth about adopting a dog for a few months , much talking, looking and praying. I would see a pup I liked , show my husband and then take it into prayer. My "bff" and I would go look at him or her and ask for a clear sign if we are to take them home... Let's just say we received several clear signs. Several big fat NO WAYS! One pup ,who was the mix of a boxer and a beagle, came storming through the double doors and broke out into the parking lot. After asking God to have the pup come to me and like me as my sign I got the hint and dropped our search. 
    Then one day I was sent an email from the local shelter asking if I would like to join their foster program. I consulted with my husband and we decided this would be a great " dip our toe in " experience. We have been sent our orders to pick up our new little friend this coming Sunday , he is a 12 week old lab puppy. I full expect to have my dining room table chewed, shoes go missing and the occasional bathroom accident on my rugs. However I am excited and long to take walks and have a pal to chat with throughout the day.    
   The first thought that has probably come to your mind is, "Shannon, your deflecting, you're fostering a pet to fill your baby void ". Well to that I say, HELL YES I AM . I am aware, I am okay with it. I have put a lot of time and prayer into this and I have asked God to close the doors if it is not His will and honestly I think there is a lesson here for me to learn. I believe He is teaching me farther detachment. The fostering experience is heartbreaking, so I hear. I completely expect to sob and want to adopt him and all that jazz, yet I am still open to doing so. I think ,and trust me I am still praying on this, But I feel what God is calling me to is become even more detached from what I thought my life would be. I need to give fully in to His plan, surrender it over, bc if I do not I will never truly be at peace. This fostering experience is just another step in that long process of trust.
     I will keep you posted after we get our pup this weekend, I have a feeling he won't be with us for long but I am hopeful of the love we can show him and the lessons we can learn from him. 

Monday, January 21, 2013

Crow and its many flavors

           I used to be the kind of person who if needed to change something, I would just do it. I stopped smoking, I stopped eat junk food, I stopped doing some pretty heavy drugs, I even gave up drinking for many years. During that time of my life I could be found in my friends face telling them they can stop , insert issues here, all they have to do is walk away from it. I see now how insanely obnoxious that was and is. It took me a few years but I realize now that what I thought was great skill, and determination was just pride. I liked a challenge so call me fat and I would drop 10 lbs in a week. 
     Now, however, I see things through a different scope. I realize that as much as I would like to change certain things about myself I cannot just up and walk away now. Most people would not be happy about this, I am however. I am happy that I have finally reached a point, it seems, where I have to process my emotions, and deal with actual feelings instead of running in the other direction to make some prideful point. 
   That being said I want to apologize to all my friends who I so forcefully instructed on stopping their said unhealthy behaviors. I see now, that while yes some are gifted with the grace to just walk away , others are not. Maybe Our Lord gives us those graces in times when we need them most and other times we need to learn, feel and heal before we can move on. I feel really backed against a wall when people tell me to put down the cake, go for a run, try harder to conceive. I want to scream at them that I have done all those things and now , unfortunately , I cannot. It is not that I do not want to or that I do not value myself, it is that I feel smaller now but yet wiser. I want to learn why I am indulging in unhealthy behavior  instead of walk away only to have it creep up later. I want to grow and I think that part of that growth is falling down, struggling and walking with God in the other direction not my pride. 
   So dear friends, I pray that whatever it is that you are wrestling with will bring you growth, knowledge about yourself as well as our Lord and a deeper connection to your relationship with Him. A healthy break so that you won't know the many flavors of crow like I do. 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

" Trying "

                I hate the term "trying", I feel like we remove God from the situation when focusing on our efforts and not on His will. That may be a tad over thought but there it as anyway. I have been thinking a lot about this recently, a woman asked me why we do not have kids yet and my only response , that did not include turning beet red and throwing water in her face, was to say ' oh well we are trying". Maybe it is just that I have grown resentful of the term. I am tired of trying, I do not want it to be so "forced" so purposeful.Yet again, that is what it is, focused and intense and Magical. 
            Regardless we have decided to take the term out of the equation. We are still going to try of course but the pressure, the tests, the ovulation kits have to go. I cannot put so much into them when in our world if it is meant to be, it will be. The doctor has said that I seem to be fine, there is no actual medical reason to why we have not conceived yet , however they still want to put me on drugs to force my body to produce more eggs. I am so conflicted, I feel like I have the answers for this week math test and I am nervous the teacher will scold me. If I truly want to do God's will and have my heart be open to that , then why take the drugs? Sure it couldn't hurt, if we are open to His will than no matter what we do It will prevail in the end. Still, it could hurt, there are intense side affects to this medication and being of the natural mind, do I want to put my body through that? Right now, I say no. I do not want to triple my egg count , I do not want to put my hormones through a roller coaster and I do not want to force my will when in my heart I deeply desire His will. 
        Also dear friends, if I am bring honest,  all these thoughts are emotionally fueled by a member of my family announcing their current pregnancy. I got the call from my doctor with the news of her desire for medical intervention just before my family members news. So naturally I had moments of those thoughts over lapping, dancing together to make a sweet poison I could take or discard. I am choosing to chuck it. I am hopeful and trying for patience I have the support and love of my husband, friends, family not to mention the prayers of so many of you. I am blessed even with empty arms.