A lot of women write an infertility blog to keep distant family and friends abreast of their situation. I on the other hand, would be completely happy only telling my mom and best friend. I did not sit down and create this space to update you on my recent tests or , if I am being honest, make myself feel better through expression. I started this bc I am unhappy with how little we women , we Catholic Christian woman talk about our infertility struggles. With that said ,I do not know if I would call what my husband and I are going through as a struggle, it is too new. Judge for yourself but please most importantly, pray for us and share your story.
A year ago , not long after our blissful wedding, I had my first miscarriage. I was heart broken, confused, why would our Loving God do this to us?However, I did not have time to focus on my questions bc soon enough I was pregnant again. I was overjoyed, of course! The Lord must have made a mistake and He has now come to fix it , apparently I am more of a self centered snip then I thought. As the weeks passed I was having more pain then normal ,this lead to a trip to the ER. I was dismissed and told I was pregnant and that was that. One week later I lay back in that ER holding back screams as the pain took hold of my body. 8 hours after arriving and being told I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy I was taken into surgery. Those 8 long hours were the most painful, grace filled and torturous of my life thus far . My poor husband and family sat watching as I tossed in pained, screamed in frustration and finally collapsed. The doctors did not want my tube to burst but bc there was not an operating room open for so many hours there was no other choice.
Many hours later I awoke from surgery ,had an unpleasant night in the hospital and then fought like hell to go home. My recovery was long, emotionally and physically. Before this point I was a nanny for 2 very loving families, I soon found myself unable to care for them. Praise God for placing me with such holy, loving and understanding women, I quit my jobs and was left free to process this grief, easier said then done. I am the master of distraction and for many months, that is just what I did. I distracted myself with everything, running, fad diets, eating, baking, more eating, less running, reading, shopping and the list goes on. That is , until one day a wise and dear friend informed me I had to stop hiding and face these fears. Each month I would presume I would be pregnant again and all would be well but month after month the tests said no and I focused on counting the next cycle. This its
self became my cycle ;Counting, planning, trying, crying. Hell in a neat little package, I had to put a stop to it. Through all this I tried to cling to my cross, I truly wanted only Gods will for us since that matched mine perfectly. I think realizing that Gods plan was Better than mine was harder then all the months of negative tests. It is still something I am working on, and lets be honest will work on till I am dead. We are a prideful gender whether we want to admit that or not. Having our plan thrown in the trash and replaced with a murky grey question mark is not something we , most of us, will accept easily.
Once I realized I am not going to have a snugly bundle of joy in my arms by participating in a "you blink first " contest with God , I was able to relax and pray the way I should have all along; in union with Him. For the first time in a year I was able to say , Ok this is your show, lead me. I felt like a weight was lifted but still in the room, maybe just over on the table. With my elephant in the room being looked after by the Best I decided it was time to call my doctor and talk more about my situation. This took an enormous amount of prayer. I had spent the past year just pushing I never really thought there could be a issue, I was just in a stand off with God, I could not actually be, broken, could I ?
I will keep praying Shannon.
ReplyDeleteThank you , Red !
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