Monday, September 9, 2013

What I've learned in 33 days

         I have found the secret to Marian consecration , it is a little heavenly book that I borrowed from my mom one lazy afternoon. For many years I have wanted to consecrate myself to Mary, but for one lame reason or another I avoided it. I would  hear these horror stories about when you start your consecration, your life falls apart, things get messy, then if you keep going , Mary comes and cleans you all up, shiny and new. I could never get past the messy part, my life felt pretty messy as it was, did I really want to open the closest and drawers I had spent so much time shoving all my baggage into, something was bound to fall out and then what would I do? Well, the answer to that is one of the easiest and also most difficult things in the world, trust. I was supposed to give Mary my everything, my good deeds, my works, my loves, my life and even my prayer intentions so she could care for them as she saw fit?? Doesn't she know that I know best! How am I am going to turn over that much control, I cant even handle it when my husband drives the car ( I am working on it)!
  However our beautiful Mother knew all this, she knew my fears and still she trusted in me. 33 days ago I cracked the spine of a new book, a book that would bring a mess to my life and then in the most tender way, clean it up and make me new again.

       First, the Priest that writes this retreat is one of my favorites, he also wrote ,Consoling the Heart of Jesus, which I try to do annually. His style is one of the few that I can grasp with ease, I feel truly blessed that God called him.
Secondly, if you are like me and have trouble with the traditional consecration in terms of long daily prayers , then this is for you. When I started I was shocked at how simple this was, I could not believe one reading a day was all that was required, and not even a rosary after! This was something I could do, even if I missed a day I caught up easily, I found myself so eager for the next days reading, itching to know what St. Louis, St. Maximilian and others had to say about Mary.
 The graces began to flow , and yes, there was some messiness, but it did not matter, I was able to see it was all for my greater good. Finally on my consecration day , Our Lady's birthday and also the day of our God daughters baptism ( how cool is that) I gave myself to her , placing a miraculous medal around my neck, I turned it all over to her, Our most Loving Mother.

  Now on to what I learned in those 33 days, through pray, fasting, communication with our Lady as well as my husband we feel it is time to stop infertility treatments. Maybe not forever , but at least for now. This feeling grew in me as I prayed and fasted these passed 33 days , I could not fight it any longer, true trust in Her and the carrying out of HIS plan, not ours was to stop treatment. We had been feeling like a break was needed before I started my 33 days, but that feeling grew and God showed me it was what He wanted. I was scared of course ,I would be giving up the control of taking these medications, doing things "right" , planning out my cycle, but I also felt such peace . No more planning , no more medication that turned me into the wife from a Steven King novel. No more control, pure trust, utter bliss in knowing my Parents are handling it. Here, I will also say I reserve the right to be frustrated about this and possible cry ( bc I have already been doing that) but I do not foresee taking back control. Maybe we will be lead to return to medications at some point, however I am not going to put a time line on that, because as I have learned, it is really not up to me.
   As an adult there are times where we long for the care free days of childhood, no worries or responsibilities just fun, well I have found that loop hole, it is called trust and partnered with 33 days of Mary, it feels pretty darn good.