Monday, January 21, 2013

Crow and its many flavors

           I used to be the kind of person who if needed to change something, I would just do it. I stopped smoking, I stopped eat junk food, I stopped doing some pretty heavy drugs, I even gave up drinking for many years. During that time of my life I could be found in my friends face telling them they can stop , insert issues here, all they have to do is walk away from it. I see now how insanely obnoxious that was and is. It took me a few years but I realize now that what I thought was great skill, and determination was just pride. I liked a challenge so call me fat and I would drop 10 lbs in a week. 
     Now, however, I see things through a different scope. I realize that as much as I would like to change certain things about myself I cannot just up and walk away now. Most people would not be happy about this, I am however. I am happy that I have finally reached a point, it seems, where I have to process my emotions, and deal with actual feelings instead of running in the other direction to make some prideful point. 
   That being said I want to apologize to all my friends who I so forcefully instructed on stopping their said unhealthy behaviors. I see now, that while yes some are gifted with the grace to just walk away , others are not. Maybe Our Lord gives us those graces in times when we need them most and other times we need to learn, feel and heal before we can move on. I feel really backed against a wall when people tell me to put down the cake, go for a run, try harder to conceive. I want to scream at them that I have done all those things and now , unfortunately , I cannot. It is not that I do not want to or that I do not value myself, it is that I feel smaller now but yet wiser. I want to learn why I am indulging in unhealthy behavior  instead of walk away only to have it creep up later. I want to grow and I think that part of that growth is falling down, struggling and walking with God in the other direction not my pride. 
   So dear friends, I pray that whatever it is that you are wrestling with will bring you growth, knowledge about yourself as well as our Lord and a deeper connection to your relationship with Him. A healthy break so that you won't know the many flavors of crow like I do. 

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